When the System Is the Stressor: Preventing Parental Burnout in Complex Parenting

This article was previously published in The Culver Citizen.

As I mentioned in previous articles, parenting has always been hard work. As mammals, protecting, feeding, and keeping offspring safe is not anything new to us. While we no longer have to protect our children from bears, the competitive and pressure-cooker culture of parenting is taking its toll, and all of this was compounded by a pandemic that caused global economic crisis from which we are still recovering.

Parenting while human is stress-inducing.

Furthermore, parents of children with special medical needs have additional responsibilities and tasks including managing medications, doctors’ appointments, and behavioral challenges.A study examining the cortisol levels (the stress hormone that becomes our body's alarm system) in mothers of children with autism and behavioral challenges showed that these moms had stress signals in their bodies similar to soldiers in combat.

As a pediatrician that with expertise on the medical care of neurodivergent children, I see this effect first hand. The elevated stress in mothers of neurodivergent children is NOT simply because raising a neurodivergent child is stressful. Parents of neurodivergent children often have to battle systems that theoretically are supposed to help their child, but often end up causing harm or put up barriers to care. These systems include schools, child-care centers, insurance companies, friends/family, and the corporate medical industry. If we fail to address the special circumstances faced by parents of neurodivergent children, we are doing them a disservice. We are then unable to provide the support they need, which puts them at higher risk for burn out.

While we cannot fix the systems, we can prepare our bodies so we are ready to face challenges at optimal health. We can also proactively design our world to maintain a healthy balance between personal needs, work, home management, and parenting responsibilities.

But there are actions to take with meaningful impact to reduce parental burn out. Below is a list. With each item, I could write about for another thousand words, but today I will just give an overview.

These are actionable steps parents can take to treat and prevent parental burnout.

• High-Protein, High-Fiber, Anti-Inflammatory Nourishment: I am not suggesting that parent burn out resolves by eating vegetables. BUT the low-fiber, highly processed Standard American Diet leads to brain fog, poor health, and sluggishness. Nourishment that puts fresh fruits, veggies, greens, whole grains, legumes, seeds, and nuts at the center of the plate ensures that we have more energy and are stronger as we face the day’s challenges.

• Prioritize Sleep: Sleep is the forgotten vitamin. Adults need 7-9 hours of sleep each night, otherwise they will not function at top capacity. Top athletes like Serena Williams, Lebron James, Usain Bolt, Kevin Durant, and Tom Brady go to bed early, wake up early, and get at least 8 hours of sleep each night. We should all follow suit to perform our best. In some cases, this may mean seeking additional support with child care so you can get at least a couple nights of full sleep per week.

• Prioritize Your Own Health: Healthy kids start with healthy adults in their lives. It’s not just about living longer for them, its about living healthier for them (and you!) too.

• Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction: To manage stress, I do a daily 3-10 minute mediation using the Insight Timer App and add an entry to the journal “Create Your Own Calm” daily. It takes less than 15 minutes. I also do yoga a few times per month. Yoga, meditation, gratitude journaling, breathe work, and group dialogue are all types of MBSR.

• Get Stingy With Your Time: Saying “No”: It is OK to say no to projects, events, tasks, requests, activities, parties, and meetings. Ask yourself if what is being asked will bring you joy or stress. Ask yourself what you would have to give up to take on that task. And remember, NO is a complete sentence. You do not owe anyone an explanation for saying no.

• Delegate: You do not have to do everything on your own. Assign age- and ability-appropriate chores for everyone in the family, including the children and co-parent. Sharing the household responsibilities is empowering for everyone. Designing a chart ahead of time can help neurodivergent children who are routine-oriented. And take friends and family up on offers to help with errands or babysitting.

• Embrace Imperfection: It’s OK if the house is a little messy. It’s OK if you end up ordering pizza for dinner one night. Set realistic, compassionate expectations for yourself.

• Communicate With Your Partner: Enlist your co-parent to share childcare, household management, and errands. This is not them “helping”, it is contributing.

• Nurturing Discipline With Heart: Avoid yelling to your kids. Reward wanted behaviors with lots of praise and attention. Discourage unwanted behavior with minimal payoff (not yelling, instead offer low energy redirection). Focus on consequences instead of trying to control their behavior. “Once you put your toys away, you can watch TV.”

• Find Your People: Meaningful Social Connections are the other forgotten vitamin. Building a network of trusted friends and family that will listen is essential to healing. Sharing experiences and resources is a powerful weapon against burn out.

I challenge you to pick one of these steps each week and embed it into your daily routine. And of course, if you find yourself overwhelmed or till feel depleted after implementing these measures on your own, please seek professional help with your physician.

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