Principles of Parenting: Take Care of Yourself
I am a board-certified pediatrician, and most relevant to today’s discussion, I am the mother of two. My “children” are older, I have a 20 year old daughter who is a sophomore in college and a 15 year old son at Culver Academies.
For those young parents out there, I am a glimpse into your future. A future where you are no longer doing midnight feeds, or changing 100 diapers a day, or chasing a toddler through a packed grocery store. But it’s a future that no matter how old your children get, you are still parenting, you are still worrying, you are still nurturing, you are still supporting. For those of you older parents of grown children, “we did it! We survived! I stand with you in solidarity”.
As a pediatrician, I do get a lot of questions, not necessarily about medical issues, like “hey what is this funky rash on my child’s buttocks!”, but I also field so many questions about parenting:
How do I get my child to eat their vegetables?
How do I stop my child from hitting their siblings or other kids at school?
My child yelled that they hate me. Have I failed? Where do we go from there?
For so many of parenting questions, the answer is not simple. And the solution is not usually a one and done component. And of course every child is different, every family is different, and what makes a great solution for one, does not translate to a great solution for all. That’s one of the reason’s its so important to have a long-term trusting relationship with your pediatrician. So you have someone that knows you, your family, and most importantly your child well, so when you ask them parenting questions, they answer tailored to your needs.
Today’s topic is about what I consider the most important Principle of positive parenting, which is beginning with healthy, well rested parents. By the end, I hope you do feel that parenting is one of the best jobs you’ve ever had and that it does not have to define you or burn you out.
What is positive parenting? It’s a method of parenting that focuses on warm, nurturing, responsive parenting that reinforces “good” behavior and avoids inconsistent or harsh discipline. I say “good” because that term is so subjective. So “good behavior” is in the eye of the beholder. Good behavior is basically behavior you want to keep.
There are literally months-long courses on positive parenting, and I only have 20 minutes, so I am going to focus the first and what I really believe is the most important general principle of positive parenting. You may find that these principles help you in other aspects of life like marriage and work. So let’s get started.
I am going to start out with a personal story.
I remember when I had my first child, I was in my twenties, I was a fourth year medical school, so I knew just enough to make myself panic. I remember walking into the hospital with contractions, looking at my husband and thinking , “What the heck have we done?” Mind you this is a much sanitized version of the thoughts I had. The heck was actually a different four letter word.
My husband and I were fortunate. For both of our children, my parents came up and stayed with us for about 2 weeks. My mom, Lupita, helped with the baby, she did cooking and laundry. She helped me with breastfeeding, so I successfully breastfed two children until about 9 months and the reason we stopped then is because by then I was working full time and they just sort of lost interest in nursing. She would have fresh cut mango for me each morning. My mom was my doula, lactation consultant, and baby expert all rolled in once amazing person. My father was amazing, fixing all the little things around the house that needed fixing, he would go to the grocery store, and even hold the baby.
It took me a long time to realize that this type of support was not available to most new families with newborns. After seeing new young families as a medical student, as a pediatrics resident, as a newborn hospitalist and now as a primary care pediatrician, I understand how lucky I was. I understand the struggles of new families.
Honestly that is one of the reasons I started my Newborn Cocoon Program. While I cannot go to each of my newborn homes and do laundry or have fresh cut mango for the family each morning, I can offer the peace of mind that if the family needs breastfeeding support or have any questions about their baby, I am just a text or phone call away, even in the middle of the night. I also do housecalls for newborns because I remember how stressful it was getting out of the house with a new baby. The smaller the baby, the more stuff and prep you need to leave the house, has anyone noticed that?
The first principle of positive parenting is “Take care of yourself”.
I am going to go a little nuts with the clichés now:
You cannot pour from an empty cup. (repeat)
Put your oxygen mask on first, then help someone else to put theirs on.
When I say “take care of yourself first”, I am not even talking about “spa days” or “massages” or “sea weed kelp wraps” or “a weekend in Sedona.”….though those are all great and please do them if you have the opportunity.
When I say “take care of yourself first”, I am talking about the basics:
Eat healthy, primarily plant-based food.
Drink 8 large glasses of fresh water per day.
Get 7+ hours of sleep each night.
Get 30-60 minutes of physical activity daily.
Get sunshine daily.
Take 5 minutes of each day, to do something just for yourself, just for your own pleasure: read a book, watch your favorite TV program, drink a cup of coffee without interruptions.
This is not just my own personal philosophy that I invented; believe me I would love to take credit. Science shows that parents who have a solid support system have toddlers who perform better on cognitive tests. So there is a positive connection between a well-rested parent and their child’s brain development.
Now at this point, I know what many of you are thinking because I had these same reactions as a mother: “Are you saying if I don’t do yoga or eat kale, I have failed as a parent. That my baby is going to fail kindergarten?”
And no of course not, that’s now what I am saying.
What I am saying, is that if the idea, the very thought, of doing something so basic for your mental and physical health as getting a good nights sleep or taking 30 minutes to exercise, is too much to ask, then I strongly urge you to consider your partnerships with your spouse, with your neighbors, with your co-workers if you work outside the home. I strongly urge you to consider who is your support system, who is your village.
As women, we do not want to ask for help. We feel asking for help is a failure. It is not. Asking for help is human.
We are social creatures. We have never done parenting or raising kids or even the cooking and laundry alone. But our world has become in a very strange way more connected, but we as individuals have become more isolated. Many parents feel alone in their parenting journey, whether its because they live away from extended family, move to a new town because of jobs, or struggle to find friends with similar age children. Add to this the pandemic, and it is very easy to feel completely alone.
So going back to the original issue at hand: If me telling you to eat a carrot every once in a while, or to get a good night’s sleep, or to take a 20-30 minute walk each day is too much, then you need to reach out for help to either your existing village or start looking around to join a support network.
This is especially true during the newborn period when parenting is so intensive mentally and physically. I recommend that expecting parents plan ahead for
1) respite (who is going to come in to take care of the baby for a couple of hours so the parents can eat, sleep, take a shower),
2) household management: laundry, cooking, pets, cleaning
3) childcare (if you have other children, who can come in and take them out for a few hours)
4) nutrition (who will make sure the family is adequately fed with nutritious meals)
5) physical movement (who will watch the baby so the recovering mother can take a walk, so something active, go to a yoga class)
6) outdoor therapy (what is the best and safest way for mom to spend some time outside)
In the US we spend a lot of time planning for the birth of a baby (gender reveals, birth plans, lots of little gadgets and gizmos), but not for the aftermath. We call that period after birth, which is so mentally and physically intensive, as the fourth trimester. Because you are growing this little helpless creature, only now they are outside of you and creating mountains of dirty diapers each day. Planning for the birth but not the newborn period, is like planning for the wedding, but not the marriage.
You have to plan for the newborn period. Bringing home a new baby can be terrifying.
One of my recommendations, for those of you who don’t have a Lupita that will move in with you for a couple of weeks, for expectant parents is that instead of registering for little knick knacks for their babyshower, for things that honestly end up being recalled a few months later, or broken or forgotten or never used, instead to ask for services: house cleaning, meal prep/delivery, baby sitter, and I am going to plug myself in here shamelessly, a concierge pediatrician that does housecalls for all newborns, and is available to the family by phone/text 24/7.
These services are expensive, so if that is not an option, Ask a friend to watch your baby while you go on a walk. Ask your partner/spouse to take care of dinner each night and washing the dishes. Ask your mom or your sister to spend one night a week with your baby so you can get a solid night’s sleep. These solutions of course assume there is already a built in support network.
For those without access to a local village of support, Some potential resources include WIC (Women, Infants, Children Program), they sometimes have peer breastfeeding groups where you can find other mothers with similar age children. Look in your church, your neighborhood. Get together with other moms for stoller walks: you get social interactions, sunshine, and physical activity in one sitting right there. I will do another shameless plug: Culver Peds sponsors a completely free parenting peer support group on the third Friday of every month at the Culver Beach Lodge at 3 pm EST. We are on pause right now for the holidays but will start back up in January. Parents at all stages of their parenting journey are welcome. So just talking to other parents and meeting families that are going through what you are going through can be very therapeutic. For additional support, ask around your village. Is there a retiree at your church that you trust? Maybe they can come in and watch your baby while you literally just sit in your living room drinking a cup of coffee and watching 20 minutes of your fave TV show or movie.
And I know what many of you are thinking: Well, if I am going to have someone watch my baby, I am going to use that time to cook dinner or do a load of laundry….Stop it. I am serious. You need to recharge. You need to take care of yourself. We need to stop glamorizing the overwork, and the sheer exhaustion that parents experience. We need to normalize asking for help and getting rest and recharging.
This is not only for you. It’s to keep you in the optimal state of mental and physical health so you can be the best parent you can be to your child .
Being a parent does not mean that you set aside your needs for 18 years. It does not mean you are not your own person anymore. The priority of course should be meeting your basics like food and water and sleep and exercise. Once you are there, then you can maybe do a little more for yourself than just the basics to keep your sense of self and mental health. Once your basic needs are met, perhaps you can start doing something totally crazy like carving out time for your hobbies. Enlist your village so maybe you can paint, or spend time at a bookstore, or take a dance class with your partner or your friends.
The other aspect of all this that is so important to keep in mind: Please set realistic expectations. During the intensive parenting periods, like the newborn, toddler, and quite frankly the teenage years are intensive too, a good chunk of your time will be parenting. Clean the house mainly for hygiene and attack the pile of dishes in the sink but don’t expect to work on a Marie Kondo project each weekend. Feed your kids a meal, like steamed rice, cooked beans from a can, and a side of roasted broccoli. That’s a simple nutritious, inexpensive quick plant based meal. And sometimes, you know there will be boxed mac and cheese or cereal for dinner, and that is OK. Your family will survive without a gourmet from scratch four course meal every night.
I will end with another story that I hope doesn’t leave you with the impression I was a horrible mother. When my daughter was about 7 and my son was 2, I had a rule: On weekends when I was home from work, my mommy shift did not start until 8:00 am. I have always been an early bird, being a doctor you sort of become that way even if you don’t want to. So I would wake up on non-work weekends early, make my coffee, and watch some movie or TV show that did not involve a purple dinosaur. My kids of course were also early birds, and inevitably wanted to come downstairs too. I would tell them, “You have to stay upstairs, until 8 am. My mommy shift does not start until 8 am and I have finished my coffee.” If they were hungry my daughter by then could grab some banana bread (I’m a baker, so we always have some type of bread available) and one of those individual almond milks that you can get at Costco, and she would take that up to her brother. They would not starve and they hung out in the playroom which was totally baby proofed until I told them they could come down for me to play with them, feed them, and nurture them, focus completely on them. That was pretty much the routine we had for years, until they became older, and they could be in the kitchen making their own breakfast while I watched one of my movies/TV shows.
They turned out fine. Even though I had this one little rule, for my own mental health, that yes when I talk about it sounds selfish, but I needed it, after a week of working as a hospitalist, I just needed that little bit of me-time. You know what? They have grown up to be well-adjusted teens and young adults. My daughter is 20, a sophomore in college, she’s independent, a 4.0 GPA student, and we have a great relationship. My son is 15, he is thriving at Culver Academies, we also have a great relationship. So the moral of that story is that you will not damage or harm your children if you do set a few boundaries, something simple, to give yourself a tiny bit of respite.
Remember, the most important principle of positive parenting is to take care of yourself.
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