How To Get Your Teen to Talk to You
A few months ago, my parenting tip was about the best way to have the s-e-x talk with your child. The punchline was that “the talk” is not a one time, “one and done” deal. You have to lay the groundwork early on, and build upon those conversations as your child grows. The same goes with getting your teen to talk to you in general. Open up lines of communication when they are younger and dealing with low stakes issues, so you can set the tone for future higher-stakes (s-e-x, drugs, rock and roll) discussions organically. Teens can smell a set up a mile away, so you have to approach a conversation with your teen as if they are a little skittish squirrel: Do not make sudden movements or they will climb up a tree and not talk to you. Ever again. I am serious!
Focus on them. Put the phone away. Turn off the TV. Close the computer. I found the best time to get my teens to talk was on walks or while we are in the car. While the dinner table is also a great time to talk, teens may feel “on display” talking in front of the whole family. Please note, I do recommend families eat dinner together as many times per week as possible. This is part of laying the groundwork with low stakes conversations.
Ask them the right questions. Don’t start off with invasive or personal or very specific questions. They will smell the set up and shut down. So you can be a bit sneaky. Remember no sudden movements! : “What did you have for lunch today?” will then lead to “Who did you eat lunch with ?” which can then lead to “So how are things going with ….” or “How come you don’t hang out with blah blah anymore?”
Listen to them. I know you think you are full of wisdom (I certainly think I do), but your teen often just needs you to shut up and listen. You don’t have to wow them with your vast ocean of knowledge and experience. Your teen should do most of the talking if you want them to…(checks notes)…talk to you.
Chill the heck down. Seriously. Even if your parenting alarm is going off, take a few deep breaths and calm yourself. Remember the squirrel metaphor!
Don’t overemphathize. Teens sometimes express fleeting emotions or simply need a sounding board to process thoughts and feelings about which they may be confused. If they tell you they hate a teacher and you act on it or get overly involved, they will turn on you when they change their mind and absolutely love that teacher the next day.
Get your head out of your a**. This is the point where all the parenting advisers say “don’t judge”. But we all judge. I can be super judgy about the tiniest things. But you know what? I keep it to myself. You have to do the same when your teen talks to you. The moment you hand out judgment “That skirt is too short!”, “I do not want you dating that girl!”, “What do you mean you want to get on birth control??!!”, you will lose them. Do share your values and opinions, of course. But take that judgy tone out, or what will happen is they will just learn to hide their personal lives better from you.
Don’t lecture them. This goes back to all the points above. Listen first. Your teen may not want you to problem solve for them.
Watch this video to learn more.
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